Being a perfectionist has ruined my life.
Don’t get me wrong. Perfectionism has its helpful moments. But, most of the time, I’m left with crippling fear of failure, spinning in cycles of organization and productivity, trying to account for every variable that could go wrong.
In the end, I’m left frustrated and depleted, wondering what my life would have been like if I had stopped planning how to live and actually started living.
In 2026, I’m fighting it.
Of course, it’s one thing to say I’m going to break this habit. It’s another entirely to take effective action towards it.
In fact, I’ve been trying to break this habit for years now. But, I keep getting stuck right back in the same spot: endless cycles of planning and plan revisions.
What then?
How do you cultivate freedom from these fears and fear responses? How do you figure out what you need? How do you pursue a life you desire when you barely know who you are? When you barely know what you like?
Thinking back, it was hard to remember a time when I didn’t feel hindered by this fear. It’s been a long time since the looming fear of failure started haunting my life.
In college, I pursued a scientific career over a creative one because I feared I couldn’t be successful. I dated someone because I was scared I wouldn’t find anyone else. In high school, I stuck to my comfortable inner circle of friends. Any time I stepped outside my comfort-zone, it was due to direct influence from my friends. Even sitting alone in public was anxiety-inducing. I feared any 1-1 social interactions, thinking they would make my social inadequacies shine, leading to rejection and isolation.
But, elementary school is the first time I remember not caring about failing.
In eighth grade, I got up on stage with basically no guitar skills and barely any practice for a talent show. I left the stage completely confident (In hindsight, I’m almost 98.5% sure that I bombed that performance). One day, I was a part of a student panel for prospective parents. Just imagine this tiny 13-year-old black girl, always reaching for the mic and chatting up a storm in front of 30+ strangers about how shy I was before attending that school. I was even the lead role in our school musical, Once Upon A Mattress. The main character, if you don’t know, is this quirky and bold princess, and her first song on stage is her belting about how “shy” they are (strangely fitting).
Failure never even crossed my mind. It wasn’t until high school, when I began to notice the social rules that my neurodivergent brain had a hard time comprehending, that I started to shrink to fit the mold others desired of me.
So, after all that, how do I plan to overcome my fear of failure?
By focusing on presence.
They may seem unrelated, but I actually think they are deeply connected.
I believe escapism and disconnection are part of the reason why I’ve strayed so far from that fearless little 8th grader.
Presence is the only way that we can open our eyes to who we are, who we are becoming, and who we feel called to become.
(1)Technology Detox
Presence starts with the main source of “escapism dopamine”: social media.
As such, I have started my 2026 year with a social media detox. This 21-day fast sprang from a desire to connect with God, guided by my church, but I plan to continue long after the fast is complete.
And so far…
It’s been really REALLY boring.
My brain is no longer flooded with low-quality dopamine from scrolling through social media and YouTube. But I still find my brain craving stimulation, especially when in stillness (I.e., on the train, falling asleep, etc.).
Funny enough, it was this boredom that led to anxiety relief and clarity. I can feel my body shift through emotions more clearly. I can feel the anxiety that comes when I start overplanning. The emotional resistance to work when my brain is tired. The pride that came when I accomplished a small win. How easily sleep comes at night.
*How I did my detox* (link coming soon)
(2)Productivity System Revamp
Since I procrastinated with planning and organizing, my productivity system needed a complete overhaul.
Productivity is like a dopamine hit to me. I often get stuck in cycles of perfectionism, especially around my plans. How can I know what to do next or what is important if I don’t have the complete picture? If I can’t account for all the variables? If I don’t have the perfect plan to keep me from failing?
The real question was how to minimize planning while still maintaining clarity, accounting for my time blindness and terrible recall. How can I promote action without getting stuck in cycles of organizing and planning revisions? To give myself time and space for reflection to figure out how I wanted to move forward.
This took a lot of trial and error. Luckily, I started working as a marketing specialist. My position required me to move quickly, be strategically efficient, and make minimal errors. Being a marketing specialist pushed my productivity system to the limit for the first time, and it helped me to see how bloated it really was.
*new productivity system* (link coming soon)
(3) Doing scary things alone
During my social media detox, I had the opportunity to spend some time alone with myself. I went to a restaurant in the city at night…alone! I know, terrifying.
Even walking the busy city streets felt anxiety-provoking. It made me realize that I needed to do more things alone, even if they scared me. I needed to practice walking myself through that anxiety.
I don’t know how I’m going to implement this into my life yet. But I’m excited for what might come from it.
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